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Teachers Who Run with Students - Some Random Thoughts from Remus J. Lupin

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Sunday, July 30th, 2006
1:03 am - Time Turning
Albus asked me if I was certain I wanted to do this. I told him that as long as I had enough potion and reading material with me, I could 'hole up' with very little difficulty until the spell wore off. I could even use that cave Sirius used when Harry was going through the Tri-Wizard Tournament that year, and since I won't have to worry about my wand being traced, I can use all the environmental spells I'll need. A note from Albus to Albus will ensure food and ingredients drops at regular intervals. Blast the fact that Wolfsbane has to be brewed fresh every month - but at least Hogwarts has its own greenhouses and stores of supplies, hidden in places Dolores Umbridge didn't find when she was infesting this place.

I'm not sure Sirius knows this scheme Albus and I concocted, but it's the best way to protect everybody Sirius has gathered to himself - protect them beyond what he'll do for them, of course. We're his backup. Heh. He's always been the absolute personification of his eponym, whether he's meant to or not.

But now to stop making notes and make sure I have everything I want for now, and spin this Time Turner back to when we regained Hogwarts. Then I'll go to file the incorporation papers for the London Academy for Young Witches and Wizards before Sirius even knew he'd need them, and we'll have bureaucratic history on our side.

I hope I don't run out of books.

current mood: determined

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Sunday, April 30th, 2006
11:58 pm - On your seventeenth birthday
Mary Frances,

You have been both a devoted student and a paragon of strength in the face of adversity. I haven't known you for your whole life, but it seems I've known you for the most significant part of your life, and feel priviledged as a result. You are exactly what I would have hoped for in a daughter if I'd ever had a family. Now you're an adult in the eyes of the wizarding world -- and we're all the better for it.

Happiest of birthdays, my dear girl.

Now to deliver it.

current mood: grateful

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Thursday, April 20th, 2006
2:01 pm - Dear Albus,
As you might have surmised, my holiday here has been quite lovely and quiet. Everybody's fine -- did you know Kingsley Shacklebolt's moved here? Another new resident is Anna Marjoribanks. I'm not sure if you've ever met her; although she's Alice Longbottom's younger sister, she considers herself a Squib and has lived largely outside of wizarding society. She's got some fascinating ideas related to lycanthropy and plants. Neville's Herbology interest seems to run in the family a bit, hm?

Kate Bell, from Harry's Quidditch team, has also moved in here. She sends her regards and appreciation for past kindness, back in her seventh year.

Although Guinevere was absent, out travelling apparently, Mary Frances was very dear. Albus, I must ask you a favour regarding her. Not that she wants to come back to Hogwarts at this time (although I'd be happy to have her here) but her birthday is in just a few days. I should have asked this earlier, but can you make arrangements to me to stay until the end of the month? It would be rather cruel to leave on Sunday with her 17th birthday a week later.

Please let me know if there's anything which might need picking-up in Diagon Alley or elsewhere in London as long as I'm here. No need to send anyone on a special trip, right?



current mood: relaxed

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Friday, March 24th, 2006
4:42 am - Easter hols
Here I am, back at #12 Grimmauld Place. Hardly thought I'd be eager to come stay here ever again, not after what happened a decade ago.

However, Albus gave me the usual Easter break and a bit more. He said that unemployment did not equal free time, and that I haven't had a proper holiday in he didn't know how long, and go visit Sirius. He didn't need to twist my arm very hard at all for all that.

I haven't seen the girls for too long as well, not since we retook Hogwarts. It's hard to believe how fractured our little class has become since that proud day... oh, three years ago now, when I brought all of them to Hogwarts with me.

Look at this -- I'm dwelling in the past. It's a sure sign I'm getting old. That, and some impertinent pup at the Ministry informing me, in a most enthusiastically social-liberal manner, that I may be the oldest living werewolf since official records started to be kept (instead of gathering a hunting party, that is).

Time for me to put this away before I get maudlin, and go acquaint myself with the current residents of the house. Must remember to brace my stance when Mary Frances spots me....

current mood: nostalgic

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Saturday, January 28th, 2006
9:18 pm - Finally, an update
It's been a long time since I picked this up - leaving Dogstar, doing Albus's stealthy work (bad thing to take undercover with one, don't you think?) and then amazingly, returning to Hogwarts after all that tumult with Umbridge, and as Deputy Headmaster, yet!

Things seem to be improving, slowly and stealthily. The wizarding public, if I'm not too optimistic here, are developing a sense of outrage. Perhaps having threats in their front gardens have awoken a universal sense of fairness, for Albus has not had one complaint about my condition yet.

Albus let me know about what happened at Dogstar before the filtered version appeared in the Daily Prophet. I could read between the lines, of course; Severus is a disappointment. I'm sure Sirius has stronger words for him, but neither he or Medeni have sent an owl in some time. I haven't written to them either, so it's not as if blame isn't evenly handed out for a lack of communication.

And here I'm being made a liar in my own journal. Hullo, Athena, you bring me a... very terse invitation. Well, that's all that's really needed, isn't it. I shall have to make plans.

current mood: grateful

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Sunday, June 27th, 2004
10:32 pm - Owled on June 14, 2004 by stealth messenger-owl via Albus Dumbledore
Dear Sunny,

I should have written to you a long time before this, but it hasn't been particularly safe and it hasn't been particularly quiet enough to do so. I do hope you read this instead of flinging it away angrily -- I've earned your anger, I know that, but I hope you also remember that before anything else, we were friends. As far as I know, we still are. 'Friends' have been more important to me than you might realise; 'parents' only more important, 'brothers'... well, my brothers I adopted myself. Outside of that tight little family only lay struggle.

I can't really tell you what I've been doing out here with and for the Order; we can't afford to take chances, not the slightest ones. I will tell you, though, that 'Sunny' has remained a bright spot in the gloom. My memories of the times I spent in your company give me a way to fall asleep with a smile on my face. I'll tell you this -- you've even helped me cast a Patronus or two. I do miss you, but I also take comfort in the fact that what I'm doing here away from you is protecting you. And the rest of my family, of course. The castle will remain safe. Which reminds me, I hope you're taking care of Sirius like a good little sister. Medeni has her hands full with that one.

If you feel moved to write back, there's not a certainty it will be able to get through to me. I can tell you Dumbledore has a special corps of owls with unique stealth charms placed on them -- it makes them almost impossible to see unless and until they're right in front of you and holding still. Combined with the natural silence of their flight, they're almost unstoppable. Almost. We find owl bodies every now and then around our perimeter when we patrol. We're thinking they're using field-effect spells for chance interference with our activities. We're also very hard to find in general terms. After saying all that, though... I hope you try. I'd like a little reassurance you aren't cursing my name up one side of the Courtyard and down the other. Silly, I know.

When things calm down -- assuming they do so by some reasonable time -- I hope we get to mend things between us better. From what you've said, not anything like what we had before, I've accepted that. It wasn't fair to either of us, as sweet as it was. But I'd like to make sure we're on a more even footing. I want to make sure you're happy, even if I'm not the source of that happiness. I want to watch you smile again.

Most fondly,

Remus (who doesn't know if he's still your wolf or not)

current mood: hopeful

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Thursday, June 24th, 2004
2:02 am - Owled on June 14, 2004 by stealth messenger-owl via Albus Dumbledore
I've been trying to write this letter for some time; I owe all of you (if, Sirius, you could share a bit of this with the rest of the castle) a note, let you know I'm still alive -- especially my Werecubs. Mahtab and Variam got to London just fine; I'm sure their family got out of the country safely. Little Lily's back home, but I haven't heard anything other than that. I don't dare communicate with them, especially considering our... lack of relationship.

It's been difficult to know what to say. Dumbledore gave me a way to make a change from what I saw as a problem within myself, and I grabbed it. Selfish, true. But I never would have done so if I had any thought at all that it would endanger any of you. But Dogstar Castle is safe, safer even than Hogwarts. The wolf within me won't let me be safe. It wants blood -- mine, if I won't feed it anyone else's.

Padfoot, brother, I knew I had to send you something about now, it would be inexcusable not to. I've mentioned to you the cold horror I felt when I watched you fall through the Veil -- I swear it took several years for you to disappear, even though I know it was a matter of seconds. I was numb for the longest time. I had to be strong for Harry, for the Order. But when I finally could mourn you, I raged, I wept... it was as bad as Halloween. My whole calendar was being used up by grief... except for the day I knew you were back.

Who can tell when this struggle of ours will be over, and I'll get to rejoin my family unhindered and unafraid for any of us? Albus doesn't see this struggle concluding any time soon. I hold you all safe in my heart and mind, though, even if not together in person.

Must finish this in time for the courier. I hope both letters make it. You can write back if you like, but I don't know for certain if it will get through to me. Don't take my silence as bad news; it's just the protections in place and the uncertainty of my location. My deepest affection to everyone at the school and especially, of course, you, Medeni and Sunny. Howl with the Cubs for me, I miss them badly.

current mood: melancholy

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Tuesday, April 6th, 2004
7:52 pm - It's been a long time since I touched this journal.
Perhaps I should have been using it to try to order my thoughts, but I've so rarely been in the habit of putting my inner thoughts where even the least glimmers of light from the outside could reach them....

It's not like it's not ready to boil over. All the things going on lately -- my dear Sunny, the repeated accidents in my classroom... and what Albus just asked me about the other day.

This is the first time since I lost my parents that I've had a real home; secure, accepting... and it doesn't seem to be doing me the good I'd expected that kind of safety to give me. Perhaps I've grown used to the constantly transitory state. I know I'm not as happy as I expected to be....

current mood: pensive

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Tuesday, December 16th, 2003
1:03 am - Dear Lily,
...here it is almost Christmas, and I've just realised most emphatically how little time we've spent together since we got to Castell Seren-Ci.

I can't really place blame on either of us, of course. We've both been busy getting used to a new place, and distracted with... relationships. Don't think Mr Diggory isn't making me a little uneasy, but I know he's a good boy man.

I hoped to be able to fill a sort of loco parentis role for you, but I haven't done more than just be present in the same vicinity. Have you found yourself wanting for anything, Lily? It's late to make up for all these months, but I want to be a good older cousin to you.

You know my door is open to you at any time, I would think. And there's notes slipped under doors, or jackdaws, or owls....

I don't even know if you're going to stay with your parents for the holiday. If you stay (although I think they do deserve your visiting), we'll have to spend some time together, if you like. And you can tell me what penalty you will set me for missing your birthday.

Your fond and forgetful cousin,


current mood: chagrined

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Friday, December 12th, 2003
3:00 pm - Progeny?
Apparently... I've, erm, procreated.

Moony the Second
Adopted by Moony the First
Adopt a werewolf at BloodMoon Studios
BMS Adopt-A-Werewolf

Art © Julia Grace Rogers</b>

Errrr... Sunny, I don't have any 'missing time' you neglected to tell me about after the fact, do I?

current mood: teasing

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Tuesday, November 4th, 2003
7:14 pm - It's mine, ALL mine, muahahaha
As if I ever really wanted to be in charge of anything except my own life. Heh.

Medeni has conspired to drag Sirius off to parts unknown for span unknown -- although she did say something about 'a week'. She was very excited about it, certainly, so a 'week' might end up being a bit longer, if he's appreciative.

It's amazing, the change she's made in him. He's ever so much more like he was before... before everything changed. Of course, his experiences will always leave their mark. None of us will ever be those feckless seventh-year boys again -- and we're not supposed to be. But he was happy then, and free to smile... and that's something Medeni's brought back to him.

I remember worrying about him plunging into something reckless again, like that first marriage of his, something that would only get him hurt. But that just shows I wasn't paying anywhere nearly as much attention to Medeni-the-student as he was, even then when he was mostly in love with himself (harsh, but we both know it's true).

Ah, well. Enough meandering around in old dusty memories. They're off and I hope they're enjoying themselves, them and their pups.

(I wonder how Sunny would like feeding chocolate to the Headmaster Pro Tem.)

Thinking of Headmasterly things, though... I should follow up on Caia. I still feel entirely disgusted with myself about my stupid joke in class the other day. Unprofessional. Extremely bad form.

current mood: thoughtful

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Monday, September 8th, 2003
2:00 pm - Sunny's Birthday
I'd been hoping to see Sunny's thoughts on her birthday present, but she's been keeping to herself a bit.

I know I surprised her -- I hope I didn't actually shock her, she didn't seem to be... well, she wouldn't be offended, but maybe overwhelmed? That's why I made the offer, didn't push how it would be accepted....

Well. I know I enjoyed myself.

Class seems to be going well -- I think I might have the largest class so far! Naturally, the Cubs all came, out of habit at least, so that would be a numbers advantage by far, but I've got about as many of the rest of our students, too.

We'll start practicum next Friday, some simple Expelliarmus exercises for person-to-person conflicts; then in a couple of classes, I'll bring out that Boggart Sirius was kind enough to box up for me, and we can see how far we can get with Patronus work.

But first... the moon. My temper's surprisingly moderate this month. And I might be a bit wobbly for class, but then -- they'll be doing all the work. Heh.

current mood: stressed

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Wednesday, August 13th, 2003
12:51 am - Freedom
Last night... was the first time I've felt this good about being a werewolf since I was... oh, 15 or so. The first time we all ran the Forest in fur-form, after Sirius, James and... and Peter told me the secret they'd been working on for so long.

I'm still in awe of that effort.

  • three teenage boys

  • researching one of the most complex and challenging spells in wizardom

  • started after a reluctantly-conceded friendship of less than a year (reluctant on my part, of course. I'm good at secrets.)

  • all kept completely secret from one of the most perceptive people I've ever known

Ah... well. Mustn't drift off in nostalgia at the moment. Last night! That's not nostalgia. No hiding, no stress (except for the whole undressing thing, but I'm more used to it than the kids... but not in groups. Ha.) and just a... fun time.

I never thought I'd describe a full moon as 'fun' ever again....

current mood: pleasantly exhausted

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Tuesday, July 29th, 2003
1:52 am - Moved again
...although this time, it's both more and less voluntary than usual. I've had problems keeping housing before once my landlords became suspicious of my lycanthropy, but this time -- driven out by the Ministry itself. And that... that... 'woman', Umbridge. Bigots are one thing to deal with -- she's arithmetrically worse.

Thank God Sirius has become so used to moving fast that he was able to organise us and get us all out of Hogwarts before we were cut off. And also for the fact that I've learned how to live, in the manner of the American author Thoreau, simply. It makes it much easier to pack.

Now we're somewhere in Wales; I know this makes Sirius and Medeni both happier, at least in theory, to be on a sort of home territory. However, the tensions of being in a new place, and one that needs work, are straining everyone's nerves. Sirius, typically, is trying to be everywhere at once and do everything at once. I confess to indulging my curiosity about our new home instead of being as helpful as I could.

I've set myself to making our Meeting Hall a welcoming place in penance. Perhaps Sunny will come by to offer a little artistic advice. In fact... maybe... ah!

Maybe she'd like to muralise the walls!

current mood: pensive

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Saturday, July 12th, 2003
11:12 pm - I don't believe it
Headmistress didn't call my students, my 'Cubs' up to graduate. Then after Guinevere (such a Slytherin -- in the best possible sense!) took matters into her own hands, now she's saying the list of graduating students was tampered with.

By whom?!


current mood: aggravated

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Tuesday, July 8th, 2003
11:26 pm - James and Lily's wedding
Sirius asked me about this a while ago, and I've been trying to put it all together for him, especially before I lose my patience to the waxing moon.

Unfortunately... I didn't have words for most of it. So I got a Pensieve, and found a place to start....

Before the ceremony...Collapse )

The ceremony itselfCollapse )

The Reception, brieflyCollapse )

And... that was about it, I think. I'm sorry it took me so long, my brother.

eternal gratitude to Pensive purveyor and archivist, the Jedi Boadicea,
and to 'Penny and Carole' for good thoughts

current mood: pensive

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Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003
1:35 am - The solstice has passed...
...which means it's officially summer. And the term's almost done, and I shall be left to my own devices for a bit.

Not like usual... I'll have a job, and money, and a secure living place.... You know, I don't think I've had this since... since my parents were killed. Work had been difficult, renting a flat impossible most of the time once they found out what I was....

It got better once Sirius turned up, and we settled the truth between us -- he then became my Secret-Keeper, hiding my lycanthropy from anyone we didn't tell specifically. It let me have a better life, as long as I was surrounded by strangers.

It's funny, isn't it, that Sirius nearly getting killed gave me a new life? I have so much now; I feel so rich because of him. And my greatest treasure... Sunny.

Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon...

She's going to be staying here in Britain over the Long Hol. We'll get to spend time together like we were before... well, maybe with a bit more stealth for privacy, right? ...and... see where things go, perhaps.

Ah, summer.

current mood: hopeful

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Saturday, June 14th, 2003
1:16 am - grrrrrrr
My head feels like something is clawing its way out.

What makes it worse is that I know something's clawing its way out....

current mood: predatory

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Thursday, June 12th, 2003
11:24 pm - One last day of normalcy
Sounds so dramatic, doesn't it?

The last week before a full moon, when I have to be taking the Wolfsbane Potion, has a second drawback other than the disgusting experience of swallowing that swill once a day -- the wolf starts to come out.

Not physically, but I can feel his influence waxing just like the moon, and I have to fight for myself harder and harder until the night of the full. It feels somewhat like drowning, I imagine. You fight and fight, and get more and more tired, and the water (or the wolf) is implacable and ever-present and overwhelming.

And eventually, it wins.


I've said this before, and I'll say it as long as it applies:  Thank God for Sunny. I've told Sirius, and I'm not absolutely positive how much he believed me, but she's like human Wolfsbane Potion. And she coddles me relentlessly after the moon sets, like I've not been since I left my mother's house.

She's the only good thing about going through all this. And she even gets to keep me company -- Sirius, you madman! She enjoyed it last month, and it was surprisingly pleasant. I say 'surprising' because as used as I am to Padfoot's company, having someone's focussed attention while transformed feels quite... different.

Ah... I'm not going to be coherent about it, that's obvious. I can't concentrate.

current mood: cranky

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Friday, June 6th, 2003
7:16 pm - Far too busy...
...to appreciate some things in the manner which they deserve. Or people (Sunny, of course, but also my other 'pack-mates', as Sirius is calling us).

I've been feeling terribly neglectful of her, and she seems to understand - after all, she's been under quite a lot of stress herself - but that doesn't make me feel any better.

There are times when I look at her that I just want to sweep her off into a quiet corner and.... She is so sweet. And she takes wonderful care of me, when we have time for it. I'm unused to this sort of attention. Sirius, James and... and Peter cared for me as well, and cared for me well (Sirius still does, of course), but it's the same yet totally different.

Tsk. That was a horrible sentence. Ten lashes with the OED (ouch!).

At least we had supper together the other Friday, and a weekend. I'm not sure what she's doing over the term break yet. I'll have to ask. It would be nice to spend time with her again the way we did before coming back to the school.

current mood: pensive

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